Day 3/4: 2 Samuel 13-19

One day when I was younger, maybe no older than 10, I remember being in church, sitting next to my mom, half passed out. The choir had finished entertaining and now it was time for the pastor to speak. I'll be honest and say that I was bored out of my mind at that time. Anyway, somewhere between semi-alertness and la-la land, I noticed my older brother getting up and walking to the front of the church. Quickly I oriented myself and watched as my brother proceeded to accept Jesus Christ into his life and sought out baptism. I remember the whole church applauding him and while I felt happy for him, 1: I didn't fully understand what he was doing but 2: I wanted to do it too! So the night I watched with awe as my brother got baptized, I decided that I was going to accept Christ into my life during the next opportunity I received. An eternity later (okay maybe just a few weeks) I walked up to the front of the church and almost bashfully stated that I wanted to get baptized and accept Jesus Christ into my life. A few weeks later I was baptized and so started my new life...

....or so I thought.

So while I'm still in the beginnings of Luke I had to take a sidestep for a moment and read a few chapters in 2 Samuel. Now I typically like to go in order, however I attended bible study (which was awesome-sauce btw) and my pastor wanted to focus on something else: Regret.

Although he skimmed over these chapters, I wanted to go back and thoroughly examine it. For one, I've never taken anyone's word on its own and it appears that aspect of me has yet to change and two, I love a good story! Well, this story was actually kinda sad. These chapters focused more on a king named David and his two sons, Amnon and Absalom, and briefly on his daughter, Tamar. Well Amnon was infatuated with Tamar, his half sister, and ultimately raped her. While the king was angry, scripture did not indicate any additional reactions from him. Years went by and Absalom ultimately got Amnon drunk during a party and killed him to avenge his sister Tamar, who ended up staying in Absalom's home after her tragedy. Years continue to go by and while Absalom left his hometown and returned upon the king's requests, the king still did not communicate or even see his son. Eventually Absalom attempted to overthrow the king and the two went to war. Prior to going into war, the king advised his men to "be gentle" with Absalom. Did his men listen? No and Absalom was killed during battle. After the king received news of his son's death was only when he expressed emotion and cried "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you- O Absalom, my son, my son!" (2 Samuel 18:33)

My pastor began talking about the king's regret with how everything turned out. How he regretted not saying anything to his son because even though this son killed the other son, the king appeared to still care for Absalom. Even when Absalom left, the king requested for his return, however did not speak or communicate with Absalom. Only when his son died did the king show remorse....expressed regret. So my pastor expressed how much concern he had regarding those of us who had not been baptized and who might not get a chance to do so before our time had ended...."If only I had done this..." he said, "If only I had said this..." "If only I chose this..." Again, regret.

So while I have been baptized, I wondered if that truly counted. I mean I was only around 10 at the time and while I professed with my mouth: "Jesus is Lord. Jesus is my Savior. He died and rose for me." I don't think I fully understood the impact of those words. I mean, not like I do now. So I immediately got on the phone and called the one person who could provide wonderful insight: my mom. I researched different biblical sites on the internet. I even emailed my pastor about my concern about my baptism (I was really surprised how quickly someone responded). And yet I'm still unsure of what to do. While I acknowledge that my relationship with God has evolved over the years (of course maturity plays into that), and has become stronger, I fear that chance of regret. That "If only I had done this..." and "If only I chose this...."

So at this point I have been seeking out answers through prayer. While I'm extremely appreciative of all the resources and support I've received regarding my decision, ultimately it comes down to God. My pastor asked "What do you do with a regret you can't fix?" in which he responded "You take it to a God who can't fail."

Right now my biggest regret would be that I read a story about a king named David and my mouth still cried "If only I had...."

to be continued