Day 3/4: 2 Samuel 13-19

One day when I was younger, maybe no older than 10, I remember being in church, sitting next to my mom, half passed out. The choir had finished entertaining and now it was time for the pastor to speak. I'll be honest and say that I was bored out of my mind at that time. Anyway, somewhere between semi-alertness and la-la land, I noticed my older brother getting up and walking to the front of the church. Quickly I oriented myself and watched as my brother proceeded to accept Jesus Christ into his life and sought out baptism. I remember the whole church applauding him and while I felt happy for him, 1: I didn't fully understand what he was doing but 2: I wanted to do it too! So the night I watched with awe as my brother got baptized, I decided that I was going to accept Christ into my life during the next opportunity I received. An eternity later (okay maybe just a few weeks) I walked up to the front of the church and almost bashfully stated that I wanted to get baptized and accept Jesus Christ into my life. A few weeks later I was baptized and so started my new life...

....or so I thought.

So while I'm still in the beginnings of Luke I had to take a sidestep for a moment and read a few chapters in 2 Samuel. Now I typically like to go in order, however I attended bible study (which was awesome-sauce btw) and my pastor wanted to focus on something else: Regret.

Although he skimmed over these chapters, I wanted to go back and thoroughly examine it. For one, I've never taken anyone's word on its own and it appears that aspect of me has yet to change and two, I love a good story! Well, this story was actually kinda sad. These chapters focused more on a king named David and his two sons, Amnon and Absalom, and briefly on his daughter, Tamar. Well Amnon was infatuated with Tamar, his half sister, and ultimately raped her. While the king was angry, scripture did not indicate any additional reactions from him. Years went by and Absalom ultimately got Amnon drunk during a party and killed him to avenge his sister Tamar, who ended up staying in Absalom's home after her tragedy. Years continue to go by and while Absalom left his hometown and returned upon the king's requests, the king still did not communicate or even see his son. Eventually Absalom attempted to overthrow the king and the two went to war. Prior to going into war, the king advised his men to "be gentle" with Absalom. Did his men listen? No and Absalom was killed during battle. After the king received news of his son's death was only when he expressed emotion and cried "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you- O Absalom, my son, my son!" (2 Samuel 18:33)

My pastor began talking about the king's regret with how everything turned out. How he regretted not saying anything to his son because even though this son killed the other son, the king appeared to still care for Absalom. Even when Absalom left, the king requested for his return, however did not speak or communicate with Absalom. Only when his son died did the king show remorse....expressed regret. So my pastor expressed how much concern he had regarding those of us who had not been baptized and who might not get a chance to do so before our time had ended...."If only I had done this..." he said, "If only I had said this..." "If only I chose this..." Again, regret.

So while I have been baptized, I wondered if that truly counted. I mean I was only around 10 at the time and while I professed with my mouth: "Jesus is Lord. Jesus is my Savior. He died and rose for me." I don't think I fully understood the impact of those words. I mean, not like I do now. So I immediately got on the phone and called the one person who could provide wonderful insight: my mom. I researched different biblical sites on the internet. I even emailed my pastor about my concern about my baptism (I was really surprised how quickly someone responded). And yet I'm still unsure of what to do. While I acknowledge that my relationship with God has evolved over the years (of course maturity plays into that), and has become stronger, I fear that chance of regret. That "If only I had done this..." and "If only I chose this...."

So at this point I have been seeking out answers through prayer. While I'm extremely appreciative of all the resources and support I've received regarding my decision, ultimately it comes down to God. My pastor asked "What do you do with a regret you can't fix?" in which he responded "You take it to a God who can't fail."

Right now my biggest regret would be that I read a story about a king named David and my mouth still cried "If only I had...."

to be continued

Day 1-really this is Day 1!

Despite it being April, I've been really excited to have more sunny days than rainy ones. Take today- it's so beautiful outside. Yeah I have to work, but it's gorgeous!!! Days like this I feel dumbfounded because even when I'm in doubt, I know this was something that the Lord made. The beauty and simplistic of the day humbles me and kinda reassures me in a way as well. Let's see, tonight is bible study and I am so excited on the message I will receive- I'll talk about that later though :o)

Right now, to explain how I got to this point. A few weeks ago I felt optimistically discouraged if that makes sense. I was hopeful, but still did not feel as if I had a clue of what was going on in my life, all around me...I didn't feel like I knew my purpose (can you guess what age group I'm in???) Anyway, I decided to talk to God....

He heard me.

I think our conversation this time was different because I was seeking him in my heart instead of just in my mind. The next weeks to follow were interesting.... I began perceiving things completely different. Now let me be the first to tell you that perception is huge to be. I'm known as the devil's advocate because I like to debate and try and find a different perspective. I felt that it was a part of growing and knowing. Well, my role as d-a is gone per se, however I feel my perspective has enhanced to an all time high now. Basically the things I was interested in- rap, celeb-reality shows, gossip talk shows, etc- I wasn't interested in. During a conversation with a friend I revealed that I just couldn't get into this latest reality tv show and she asked if I thought I was too good for it now. I responded that it wasn't that I felt I was above it, it just didn't interest me anymore. I've never been into digging for rocks either- not because I was above it, just not interesting in it.

That's not the point though. That conversation stuck in my mind because a few days prior I was in bible study and my pastor spoke about the reputation some of our churches have, particularly in our area....Gotta love southern baptists!!!! Lol, I used to avoid that label because it immediately brought up this image of a lady and man with bibles in their hands screaming "Repent or be condemn to hell forever!" Scary, yeah I know! Well, after my conversation with my friend I wondered if that was the perception people had of me. Especially now that I wasn't interested in the stuff I used to be, I was only interested in God. So the dilemma I faced was this: How can I explain that I'm not interested in certain types of movies, music, and television because I do see evil in them without sounding like a crazed fanatic?

See the thing is I really do feel that evil-Satan- is involved in a lot of current trends today. You know I read some articles about the symbolism behind the devil (sayings, signs, etc), as well as the rumors surfacing about some of the top entertainers and public figures secretly worshipping the devil. Whether I believe the articles is irrelevant, however the content found within these popular trends does not interest me. I don't want to catch up on the latest gossip, racy video or song lyrics because it has nothing to do with the path I'm trying to discover and walk with the Lord. So I listen to the Christian station instead and I love it! Every song that comes on is wonderful. I actually don't change the radio station (which for anyone who knows me will realize how miraculous that is- I'm easily distractible and VERY easily bored). Why is it different now?

Have you ever heard of that saying "That's my song"? As in, you're in the car with your girls listening to the radio and one girl proceeds to say "Ooh, girl turn that up- that's my song!!" Or for the guys- "That's my jam!" Lol, I used to say that all the time...I would instantly perk up and bob my head to the music and most importantly the lyrics...I'm a lyrics girl so I had to understand the lyrics prior to given them the "That's my song!" status. Typically a song gets that status when I felt that writer wrote that song especially for me. S/he just knew that my guy wasn't acting right or it was time for me to shake those haters off and decided to write those lyrics to reach out to me. Well, I get excited now whenever I listen to the music on Christian stations because they're all my songs! The lyrics (again I'm a lyrics girl) touch me. Again, those hymns and songs were written because I think the author knew even back then their wordings would touch someone...someone would be able to relate. And now I'm one of those individuals.

So how do I show that I am a southern baptist without scaring people away with my passion? Good question, I'm a pretty intense person on my own, but now...Wow! Either way I'll just take it day by day :o)

So again, I finished reading Mark and I would like to leave on that note:

1) Jesus died

2) Jesus rose and is alive again

3) HIS process of death and resurrection was for me.

You know, I'm not an emotional person, but I've been crying a little (a lot) lately. Even now I'm tearing up on the impact that message has. Not only that but He gave up The Ghost and passed away. This Ghost, I feel is The Holy Ghost. It was a way that I can still have Jesus in my life even though He is no longer on this earth. God gave me a companion- The Holy Ghost, whose presence I feel every day. I am comforted knowing that I am never alone...I've never been alone.

I pray that you have a blessed day and receive a type of clarity or enlightenment you didn't have the previous day.

to be continued :o)

my beginning

Hello! Okay so I'm really new with this whole blogging thing although I know it's been out for a while. No I haven't been living under a rock- just haven't had anything to blog about (did I just make a rhyme?) I apologize in advance, I have a quirky sense of humor so just deal with it. Anyway, I finally found something to blog about- my walk through the Bible. Thus the name of my blog is titled My Walk. I wanted to keep a journal of my feelings, thoughts, emotions and plain rhetorical questions that I have while reading each book of the Bible. While this is day one, I've already started reading. I researched books to begin with for Bible beginners and found Mark- the book about Jesus's last days- to be a good start. I will say that my blogs are in no way shape or form fact, truth, or accurate. My insight is just that- mine. It's how I perceive what each verse and scripture to be. Through prayer I am comforted knowing that God will lead me to receive His message in the way He knows my mind is able to grasp. If you don't like what I say, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read the Bible yourself (ignore my blog if you must, however I encourage you to do the former). Grab a copy, study it and seek your own interpretation of what you think the scriptures are conveying. Thanks so much to reading! to be continued :o)