Blessings..

Okay so I actually jotted this down in my journal because I wasn't near a computer. Typically, I get inspired while on the computer or simply near one and just type away, however this wasn't the case this time and I was afraid I would forget what I wanted to say when I finally got to a computer. So backdrop of this reflection: Again, I'm at the point to know and trust that God hears prayers and answers them. It may not look how I want it to look, and the timing may not be aligned with my impatient mental clock, BUT GOD will always deliver. I've never met anyone so consistent. I mean, my own mother is completely awesome-sauce and everything, but GOD is perfect! His timing is impeccable and His judgment is divine!

With this being said, I slowly found myself going into this doubt phase. First, it was doubting that He would answer my prayers, but then it was me doubting if I should accept His answers. I know you're thinking "Why would you doubt a blessing from God??? It's from GOD?!" Well, let me tell you it's easier said than done.

"Ask and you shall receive..." "Knock and the door will be answered...." or something along those lines. Now the BIG questions I had to challenge myself with:

1. Will I take it?

and

2. Will I walk through the open door?

Doubt is such a powerful thing. Even when you are blessed the devil will STILL try and intercept that blessing by placing DOUBT in your mind. I had to land on this difficult practice: DON'T LISTEN TO IT!

I know God answers prayers so why do I doubt HIM when I receive HIS blessing? Well, first I begin to ask "Is it what I want?" then "Should I do it?" and shortly following with "Is it really from Him?" I mean, it seems at every corner I turn, I find this detour called "Doubt" that tries to steer me from embracing my blessings. The last question has been the biggest hurdle to cross, I'll admit. Because I'm really trying to quiet my flesh so that I can hear Him, I find myself doubting that I'm actually receiving a blessing and rather just giving into the desires of my flesh once again. This barrier has challenged me to continue to seek Him and Rest in Christ. How have I been doing this? Reading the Bible. I have always had a very basic, Black/White thought process. Either it is or it isn't. Either it's right or it's wrong. Either I go left or go right. Simplicity at its best. Well, I'm now following this same thought process when it comes to discernment. Either it's in the Bible or it's not. The Bible is God's book for us. It's His messages written through saints who were just like you and me. Some messages are more obvious than others, some more literal than figurative, however it's all there and through prayer and meditation, it's all comprehensible- It all makes sense. I've stop trying to second guess what I think scriptures are trying to say....meaning I've stop attempting to justify my wrong-doing by pulling out a good ol' scripture to support my cause. God doesn't work like that, I realize. He's pretty straightforward. If I don't understand the scripture, I ask for His wisdom and clarity. I ask for His understanding. And while I may have to reread the scripture 10 times before I get what He's saying, I do, in fact, get the message (oh you inpatient mental clock!).

So I've learned that if it ain't in the Book (Bible), then it's not coming from God. If God hasn't given instructions or directions (again, found in the Bible), then I don't need to pay any further attention to it. So to go back to doubting gifts as blessings from God: I've discerned things I receive by checking to see it has a stamp of approval from God. If it don't smell like "Eau de" God, I don't want it. What does God smell like? What does His stamp of approval look like? I don't know, I'm still learning. But what I have come across that I think are great starters:

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:7

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8

"And now abideth faith, hope, charity***, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." 1 Corinthians 13:13 (*** different versions of the Bible state love in place of charity. I use the King James version and the footnote mentioned this version has provided an inaccurate and misleading translation of this particular scripture. Greek text used the word "agape" which can also mean "love". I do use the term "love" instead of "charity.")

Basically, focus on God. Placing your trust in Him, you will find you will not be led astray because you are being guided by Him. Secondly, figuring out who God is. Now this is a big one, and I think even an impossible task because He is the great "I Am." Words cannot describe Him. What I've done so far is use analogies or comparisons to what I feel He has done for me and who/what he has been to me. He has been loving, so His blessings will reflect that concept. He has been merciful and forgiving, so His blessing will also reflect that. He has been my rock of peace, again His blessing will reflect that. So when I look at an answer I received after I prayed about something, I seek to determine if those concepts are found within the answer: Does this answer promote love? Does this answer promote mercy and forgiveness? Does this answer promote humility and self-less action? Does this answer glorify His name? Finally, does this answer give me peace? One thing I've recognized is that I always feel at peace when I'm actively pursuing my relationship with God. There's another saying along the lines that I may not rejoice in whatever situation I'm in, but in whatever situation I'm in I can rejoice in God. That holds true to the peace He gives me. Despite what I'm going through, He will always provide me peace. And no it's not that elevator-music/spa-day/cool jazz playing/aromatherapy candles type of relaxation. For me, it's been that "My world is upside down, the wind is blowing fervently, the turbulent waves are crashes all around me, HOWEVER I'm standing still. I'm planted on firm ground. I cannot be moved nor be swayed. There is calmness inside of ME....the essence inside of me is calm, at peace. And that is simply because His Holy Spirit is within me. Does this make sense?

So with that being said, if you truly sense He has answered your prayers and it's a blessing, well..... DON'T LOOK SIDEWAYS AT YOUR BLESSING- CLAIM IT!!!! God is good. He wouldn't do anything to hurt us. And while I do feel that whole "be careful what you ask for" is true, I do know God would not grant us something that would harm us or go against His spirit within us. If anything, if God answers a request and the outcome is not favorable in our eyes (again our eyes, not necessarily His), there was a lesson He wanted us to learn through that blessing. And yes I say blessing because anything He gives is a blessing for the simple fact that blessings always turn into growth, progression, and forward-movement! I realized that He may not give me what I want every time; He will give me what I need EVERY time. He is consistent. And honestly, I love His outcome over my own. I love when God "meddles;" He does a FAR better job than I do when I try and insert my own independence. I find myself at peace and happier whenever I let Him take control. I always love His results. Mine? Eh.... it's a hit or miss and even when I like what I did it's never to the fullest, real satisfaction I get when He works.

So my conclusion: I know God has my best interest. He loves me more than I love myself. He knows me better than I know myself. So why question HIM when he answers my prayers. Why question myself when HE answers my prayers? Am I not worthy of His blessings? Well, despite my flaws and imperfection He seems to think so and there's no DOUBT about it!

Resting in Christ

I know it's been forever since I last signed on. Don't worry, things have been good...correction, I've been good. One thing my pastor said that resonates with me: You might not be able to rejoice in whatever situation you are placed. But whatever situation you are placed, you CAN rejoice in God. I cannot describe how God has shown His presence in my life this year....wordy, talkative, verbose me- speechless! Let's just say God has used my circumstances, individuals associated within my life, basically everything to show me how awesome, loving, and completely worthy HE is! Despite some situations I have been placed in, He has turned those daunting factors into reasons why He is worthy to be praised. Am I making sense? I find myself searching for words to properly articulate my thoughts and feelings lately. Words don't seem to measure or truly capture how I've been feeling...how blessed I feel...how at peace I feel. And it's all because of God. So far this year I've learned: 1. Despite how far I venture away, God has and will always be with me. He promised He would never forsake me and He is completely thorough, completely consistent. 2. God answers prayers, I just had to learn how to ask. 3. Sometimes answered prayers don't turn out how I imagined, however they're always, exactly what I wanted (good thing God is God and I'm not, right?). 4)Sometimes God answers prayers by placing me in a situation where I develop my desired outcome. For example, I've asked for patience. At one point my group leader sagely reported sometimes God will provide you with a situation where you have to be patient. As another friend reflected: God doesn't send patience or humility in a cute little jar for you to open up and use. 5) To further expand on number 4, God really does have a great sense of humor...or maybe it's just me (it's not!). 6) There is nothing greater than love because God is love. I believe this is what God is trying to teach us. Or least that what I feel He's been showing me so far this year: Don't judge, unless I want to be judged. Forgive others as I want to be forgiven. Give mercy because He gives so freely and abundantly. Love unconditionally, because His love is unconditional for me. 7) Rest in Christ...Know that He has done it all. While I may not be perfect or complete, I must rest in the fact that in Christ, I am perfect, I am complete, I'm worthy and good enough to have a place with God. And there is Nothing I can do to win a place in heaven; There is nothing I can do to have that place taken away. It is a precious gift! Now please don't misconstrue what I'm saying: just like any other store policy I can always give the gift back, exchange it for something else (worldly, empty things), or simply not extend my hand to receive it. What I've learn is once I've truly accepted and embraced that gift, I cannot damage it. It's not like fine china and once dropped it's broken and destroyed. Nor could I regift it and give it to someone else (ie Dirty Santa game). It's mine and as long as I want it, I believe in it, and I cherish it, it will NEVER go away.

I want to come back to my last few reflections later on and expound on them, particularly numbers 4, 6, and 7.

Until then, please rest easy in Christ: Romans 8:38-39

"For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Jesus=Son of man=THE SEED!

I believe I've always been blessed with examining things closely- using a different light to gain a different perception. In 8th grade I was awarded best quote interpreter in my band class. I know you're probably thinking: 1. Why was I interpreting quotes in band class of all places? and 2. I must've really stunk at playing my instrument if all the recognition I gained from that class had absolutely nothing to do with playing my instrument. Lol, let's just say my instructor wanted his students to be well-versed in various skills...besides I took pride in the fact that someone else recognized that my perceptive ability-albeit quirky- could be beneficial.

Tonight I've been reading Matthew. I have to say I really enjoy the books of the Bible that focus on Jesus. I mean, I know the whole Bible does, but I guess what I mean is that I like hearing Jesus talk! I love his speeches and even more so, I love his parables.

So to bring you up-to-date at this point in Matthew, Jesus continues to travel from place to place, preach in the synagogues, heal people, and teach his disciples. He continues to reiterate that he's fulfilling the prophecy. In the early part of this book he speaks in reference to Esaias who prophesied that "By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive" (Matthew 13:14). Jesus clarifies in verse 15 by saying "For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them."

Okay, let me stop and explain how important this part was after I read it. So the last couple of weeks I've been feeling a disconnect. I know I haven't typed in forever, but I've still always felt connected with God. My trust hadn't really waned in God, I realized that my trust waned in myself. This realization really sunk in Monday night especially after having a very disorienting dream and I actually began to question where I stood with God! I've been through enough (particularly with things that have come up at my job) to KNOW that God is with me. He has never left me. My faith in HIM has gotten stronger. Faith in myself-eh not so much for some reason. Well throughout Matthew, as well as other books (Mark, Luke, and John) Jesus tells of the parable about how seeds can be thrown by the way-side and can either take up in stones, thorns, or good soil. In Matthew He described how seeds taken up in stones can be compared to those who hear the message, receive joy temporarily, however become distant from the message due to trials and tribulation, or life's strife. Seeds taken up with thorns could be compared to those who hear the message, however become so jaded and bitter due to the state of the world and how difficult it can be living as a just Christian (ex: how evil people seem to get all the riches and spoils of the earth...or even the old saying "Nice people finish last"), and ultimately that person also becomes distant from the word. Good soil can be compared to those who hear the message, RECEIVE the message, INTERNALIZE the message, and bear fruit-basically put message into observable action or declaration that others can take nourishment from (or see that action you did and decide to do the same so that others can see and so forth and on).

To further add to that we now have to go back to Esaias' prophecy- not everyone will understand the message. Thus, Jesus gives these messages in parables. A parable, from my understanding, is a story with hidden meaning. The meaning may not always be easy to comprehend but once you understand it, you become amazed on how complex and yet simple the message really is. Let me tell ya something-Jesus is REALLY good at telling parables!

So now connecting this back with my personal conflict- I became almost anxious and fearful as I read his parables. I was already feeling disconnected.....What if I was one of the people that didn't understand it. What if I wasn't meant to understand it. What if I heard the message, but yet didn't understand...or saw the message, but yet not perceived it? What if I wasn't the good soil, but surrounded by stones or thorns?

I'll summarize one parable for you which Jesus compares the kingdom of heaven to: A man sows good seeds in his field. An enemy comes and sows tares with the seeds/wheat (for tares, think weeds). Servants of the man ask if they should go ahead and remove tares. Man advises no, let the tares grow together with the wheat until harvest time; at that time remove the tares first and burn them, and then bring back the wheat. (taken from Matthew 13:24-41)

Now let me be honest-I had to read this several times....but I got it. Pulling out my quote interpretation skills (hey, God blessed me with them for a reason!) I was able to perceive that God planted seeds onto this earth....the good seeds being the children of the kingdom. And although the devil came along and put things like hate, deceit, jealousy and even evil people to "grow" with the good seeds, God is going to send HIS servants (angels) to collect HIS good seeds up.

Now I may have initially said in jest "hey, God blessed me with them (interpretation skills) for a reason," but I sincerely mean that. God gave ME the ability to perceive and with HIS help, in Jesus' name, I was able to interpret the parables tonight. You know now I feel so silly to even doubt ME. And when I say now, I mean literally NOW as I'm typing. To have faith in God, but not have faith in me-which is filled with the Holy Spirit, thus connected to Jesus, the Son of man, who is Lord, thus God- is unfathomable.

And....that's when the ah-ha moment hit me. The Bible is so full of symbolism and it hit me big in Matthew. Jesus uses the parable about seeds throughout the New Testament. Seeds are planted to grow and bring fruition. Jesus is THE SEED! (duh, I know right!) That statement is beautiful to me (not the duh part). God planted this earth with a Seed with His purpose being growth and fruition. Jesus served God's purpose through and through! God planted Jesus in Mary. Jesus was born in this earth- full of thorns and stones- and because He was good soil, He grew and produced good fruit (His acts of healing, forgiveness, humbleness and complete dedication to doing God's will) that others took and received nourishment from (think about His disciples as well as those who witnessed his acts of good service). Those who received His fruit in good soil brought forth more fruit so that others could receive nourishment and so forth and so on. Not only that, God ensured that even those who were not able to receive fruit directly from Jesus would still be able to receive Jesus' fruit. In Matthew 12:40 Jesus says "For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth." To complete the process of planting the Seed, Jesus is buried after he is crucified. When he rose three days later people of the earth could receive the opportunity to sow that Seed (now the Holy Ghost) into their soil.

On that note I want to say I love the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit!

So I will most definitely continue to work on me and my faith in myself. God is with me, and through Jesus, made a promise that He will never leave me, meaning that I will be connected to HIM forever! In the meantime I have been repeating the following saying- feel free to chant along:

I am good soil. I am good soil. I AM GOOD SOIL!