Dreams 101

To say the last couple of weeks have been interesting would be putting it mildly :o)

Even as I type at this very moment, the word, "Boldly" keeps repeating itself in my head. This same word led me to write this blog for today. It wasn't until I came across these verses just now, that everything made sense:

"And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly as I ought to speak." Ephesians 6:19-20.

Okay, I'm going to have a moment of vulnerability here and disclose some things... For the last two weeks, I've had the most vivid, incredible dreams almost on a nightly basis. It wasn't until I came across a friend the other day, that I started to marinate on sharing these dreams. Thing is, my friend and I have had very similar dreams; not only that, but it seemed that our dreams occurred during the same time, even on the same night. See what I meant by saying "interesting"? Lol!

I hesitated to share my dreams with you b/c at first I simply thought they were messages specifically for me, meaning that I would only benefit from them. Honestly, I became even doubtful of how people would view me after I disclosed these dreams. But after that word "boldly" crept into my mind, I couldn't deny that I needed to share this with you. Besides, I figured, I'm beyond caring what people think of me now. It's all about my Heavenly Father....

Plus, after speaking to my friend, I believe I would be selfish to keep these messages to myself. I believe these messages could be beneficial to others. Let me first give out a disclaimer: the fact that I remember these dreams the day after, even more so, several days later, is miraculous! Usually I'll remember a few details and then everything becomes a blur, but I can still recall them- they were that amazing.

So, are you comfy? Are you settled? Okay, here we go!

Dream one: This dream occurred on Feb. 5th (Sunday night) , if my memory serves me correctly. Have you ever had a dream where you played witness inside of your own dream? Like you were watching yourself as a third party/on-looker. Well, I've had previously. On this night I felt myself being lifted up where I could float through the air. Unlike my previous dreams where I would get scared and wake up before I could see where I was going, in this dream, I allowed myself to let go. I knew I was being pulled by someone higher, greater than me- God. I remember thinking, "Lord, if this is You, I will follow you." Immediately I felt this euphoria, because I was finally able to let go fully and trust Him; trust that God would lead me and would protect me no matter what. Let me disclose that this is the first time I have truly given myself over to God and say "Use me. Lead me. I will follow You!" My dream continued as I was lifted into the air and the sky. It was so beautiful seeing all the stars! Now, honestly, I thought this was my homecoming; I thought God was calling me home (and yes I was so excited).

Then, I felt myself drop....

Okay, let me give a little backdrop to the dropping part. This isn't the first time I've had a dream where I fell from the sky. I will be honest and admit that I really wasn't fond of this type of dream b/c I always felt the affects of the falling. Have you ever been on a rollercoaster and was plunged downward quickly, causing your stomach to flip flop? Yeah, well that's what my falling dreams always felt like. I could literally feel my stomach turning over in this dreams- very uncomfortable. Well, in this particular dream, I started to prepare myself for the uncomfortable feelings, however my mentality was "The Lord is with me, so I'll be okay. I know He will catch me." As soon as I thought this, it seemed as if time froze and I gently, slowly fell through the sky. There were no uncomfortable tummy flip flops!

This was another pivotal part because for the first time I wasn't afraid of falling or failing anymore. I trusted that whatever life handed me, the ups and downs, God would be there to catch me. I finally trusted in His word "I will never forsake you...." Amazing huh? I woke up shortly afterwards and pulled a Swiper move (from Dora) and said "Aww, man!"

Lol, I was disappointed because I thought I was being called home, but I immediately became grateful because I was still living. He blessed me with another day. And ever since that dream, every time I wake up in the morning, I quickly send my praise and thanks up to God because He blessed me with another day on this earth. It seems every since the death of Whitney Houston, I'm even more aware of how precious time on Earth is. While I look forward to the moment when Jesus comes back, I am appreciative of any moment I get to spend on Earth. As the song and scripture would say, "Today is the day that the Lord hath made. I would be glad and rejoice in it."

Did you like that dream? Thought you might :o) I can say how incredible it feels to let go and let God. Okay, are you ready for the next one?? Let's go!

Dream two: Feb 11 (Saturday night): Several things happened, and I remember being on a journey, but I came across a man who was familiar to me, as in I recognized him and joined in conversation with him, but physically I knew I had never seen this man before (like I haven't met him).

Well, in one part of the dream, I dreamt I was being chased by snakes. I think this one was a python. Now, anyone who knows me knows how much I hate snakes. And it was fast! Lol, I'm no sprinter, but even in my dream I gave Jesse Owens and Flo Jo a run for their money. But I remember the snake was leaping through the air right behind me.

I managed to get away...

Well, I came across my friend again and I told him about the snakes and I asked him if he saw the snake and if the snake tried to attack him too. Well, he said, yes, he saw the snake and yes the snake attempted to attack him. So I asked, "What did you do?" And he simply said that the snake approached him, however stopped at his heel and then left. Later on in my dream I thought about what my friend had said and was debating going to find the snake and see/test if he would stop at my heel too, but I decided against it. I woke up from that dream shortly afterwards.

Well it wasn't until the following evening that this verse came to my head: "Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you." Luke 10:19

I recognized earlier on that the serpent was sin, but it didn't register until God put that verse in my head. It didn't make sense until then (and please note that God uses our mind to communicate with us "By the renewing of our minds...." or more specifically "And be renewed in the spirit of your mind." Esphesians 4:23).

Maybe the man was Jesus in my dream. It makes sense to say so since he was familiar to me, but yet I had never seen him. Yes, I will claim it, He was Jesus.

I guess the thing is, I still battle fear of this world, instead of fearing and resting in God. I ran away from sin, thinking "Whew! I was able to escape the claws of sin another day!" Instead of facing my sin and saying "No."

How straightforward can He get you may wonder... Oh it gets even better. Ready for my last dream?

Dream three: Which is a multiple-part dream which first started on Feb 13 and continued onto Feb 14 (Monday and Tuesday nights). On Feb 13, I dreamt that I was again on a journey and I travelled into a new city and I automatically thought, "New Jerusalem."

The next dream is even more special because this dream is similar to the one my friend had on the same night: I remember being in a place that was not on earth. It was more so in space; I had to look down to see earth. My friend stated that his dream was similar.

Well, I also dreamt that I was privvy to meetings with important political leaders, all who were discussing the future and path of this world. It was a very somber mood; sadly it wasn't a

discussion to better the state of the world and its affairs.

Again, I woke up feeling peaceful, relieved, and yet surprised. I woke up again, praising God because He allowed me to see another day.

Honestly, I do not know when that time will come, when Jesus will return. I do have a pressing need, an urge to speak boldly and loudly, not caring what others might think. Two things I want to say before I end:

1) Please stop, yes at this very moment, and evaluate yourself and circumstances. If you are unsure of your future. If you are uncertain where you will spend your spiritual eternity...If you do not know where you would go- be it heaven or hell- when you die, please, I ask you, stop whatever you are doing and ask for salvation. Repent, ask for forgiveness, and profess that you believe in Jesus Christ. Profess that you believe He died at the cross and rose 3 days later so that your sins may be forgiven and washed away. Profess that Jesus Christ is Lord and your Savior.

"Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven." Matthew 10:32-33

"Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." John 3:3

"Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of Spirit is spirit." John 3:5-6

"That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God." John 3:15-18

The 2nd thing: Take this moment, again yes drop everything you're doing and reach out to someone. Be it mother, or father, friend or foe, tell them that you love them. Ask God to bless him/her. I'm not trying to sound cryptic, but it's truth: You don't know when the time will come when you won't be able to tell those people how much you care.

I hope that this message brings you great hope and not sorrow. Hope because Jesus said He would return and any pain or tears will be gone and wiped away :o)

God bless you!

FASTING FOR HOUSEGUESTS.....

Over the last few weeks I have been searching, in my mind, earnestly, to establish a deeper relationship with God. It’s been challenging, and at times I felt a plateau effect. I would feel His presence, but after a while, it would seem as if I could no longer feel Him….hear Him. Let me tell you, it’s been very nerve wrecking.

I have no doubt He’s here with me. God said He would never forsake me- I believe Him. However, I still get nervous and worried whenever I don’t feel or hear Him as much as I did during the previous day or previous week. So what gives?

I came across a book about fasting about a week ago. I purchased the book eager to gather information regarding this concept that is mentioned numerous times throughout the Bible. I’ve always wanted to fast, but just didn’t know how. But now, I would finally have a book to refer to when I began my journey to seek a closer, intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father.

So why did days go by while my book sat on the shelf, unopened? Good question.

Good news is that I’ve started to read that book, Fasting by Jentezen Franklin. Even better, some chapters have piqued my curiosity and have challenged me to ask some very tough questions.

Although I have a desire to seek a closer relationship to God, why haven’t I? What’s really stopping me? I desire to hear Him, but what’s blocking me? Well, I’ve learned that fasting is a sure-fire way to focus on my spiritual journey with Him. Which brings me to the topic of houseguests.

Yes, I said it- houseguests. In one chapter Franklin talks about Abraham receiving a visit from God and His angels one night. Franklins reviews how Abraham rushes over to God and lowers himself to worship Him. Abraham asks God and His angels to stay so that he could wash their feet and prepare a meal. They agree.

Okay, so how awesome would that be to have God as a guest at your door? I must say I would be pretty thrilled to have the great I AM pay a visit to my home. I could see myself now, updating my status on Facebook: “Guess who’s coming to dinner????” But let’s be real- if God came over to my house, would I be ready? Would you? I’ll be honest and sadly admit my answer would “No.”

Over the holidays I had the privilege of playing hostess to my mother who came to visit. Let me tell you, while I was so excited to have my mom visit, I also spent the week prior to her arrival in a state of frenzy- my house had to be spotless! The floors had to be swept, mopped, AND polished. Dishes in the sink??? Oh I don’t think so. I remember going to Wal-Greens to buy an armload of scent plug-in’s and candles. Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not a hoarder; I don’t live in a pigsty. This was my mother for crying out loud! Everything had to be perfect or as close to perfect as my ADD self could allow. Oh yeah, I was so ready for my mom’s arrival.

But what about those guests who just show up? You know, the friends who call you at like 7 at night, right after you finished cooking this massive meal, and want to come over and chat. And where are they? Right around the corner, of course! You freak out as you take in the pots and pans that now clutter your sink and dishwasher. You look around and see toys (in my case it would be dog toys) scattered around the living room. You quickly pray to God for a small miracle as you politely tell your friend, “Sure, of course you can come over! Can’t wait!”

Being on the receiving end of those calls have made me a little wiser to the game: Be prepared as much as possible and stay alert! Sometimes I’m able to do such that and it works in my favor, but sometimes it’s not always the case and I found myself giving out disclaimers such as “Please ignore the mess in my house!” or “Don’t judge me!”

Well what if God paid you a visit. What if it was an unexpected one at that? Would you turn Him away and say “Oohh….yeah, about that- this is really not a good time for me. Wow, you caught me off guard! Let’s try tomorrow or maybe perhaps next week????”

Of course you wouldn’t- He’s God! But talk about the embarrassment you would feel when you had to give Him those same disclaimers: “Heavenly Father, please excuse the mess in my house!” or even better “Abba, please don’t judge me!”

I cringe just thinking about it!

So it brings me back to the concept of fasting. Fasting is a way to not only focus on Him, but to prepare for the unexpected, whether they be good or bad. By fasting you are sacrificing yourself up God, remaining humble and acknowledging how great and worthy He is of your sacrifice and more!

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.”

Romans 12:1

Fasting also helps to clear up the fog, as I like to call it. As I previously mentioned, I know God is with me. Through Jesus’ precious gift, the Holy Ghost, I have ties to my Heavenly Father at all times. However, sometimes I feel it’s hard to see Him because I have fogged up the windshield. My fleshly FM station is turned up WAY too loud and I can no longer hear Him. I have to turn the station down…I have to turn ME down. I have been taught that fasting does that. It clears up the fog; it turns down the noise so that I can hear His soothing voice and message.

By hearing His voice, I become prepared. I become ready. It doesn’t matter if I receive a week to prepare for a houseguest or 60 seconds, by focusing on God’s station through fasting, I will be prepared- house cleaned, dishes washed AND stored away- at all times.

Let me stop and state how necessary this is- to me, and to you. This is something that needs to be done. This is something I need to do, I have to do. There are no options. It is vital as saints that we keep ourselves alert and prepared at all times. Jesus teaches about staying alert through the Gospels:

“But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh.”

Matthew 24:43-44

“But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Take heed, watch, and pray: for ye know not when the time is.”

Mark 13: 32-33

“And what I say unto you I say unto all, Watch.”

Mark 13: 37

“Watch ye and pray, lest ye enter into temptation. The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak.”

Mark 14: 38

“Blessed are those servants, whom the lord when he cometh shall find watching: verily I say unto you, that he shall gird himself, and make them to sit down to meat, and will come forth and serve them. And if he shall come in the second watch, or come in the third watch, and find them so, blessed are those servants.”

Luke 12: 37-38

“Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not.”

Luke 12: 40

I believe that God delights in rewarding us and blessing us. He is such a wonderful and merciful God. We have to be ready and alert to His blessings. We have to be ready to receive them. We have to be ready to invite Him in when He comes. We must stay prepared!

God wants us to seek Him, to establish a closer, intimate relationship with Him. With God, His door is always open. He is always prepared. He is always welcoming. We must extend that same gesture.

So what I’ve learned: I must be prayerful; I must be faithful; I must be prepared; I must be ready. For anything and everything. God is the great I AM, He is the Alpha and Omega. All I have to do rest in Christ, the Holy Spirit, my constant companion. That is all you have to do as well. When we stay alert and prepared, we’ll hear that knock on the door. Most importantly, we’ll be able to answer it and say “What a pleasant surprise! I’m so glad you’re here. Come on in!”

Be blessed saints!

“Rejoicing in hope: patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;”

(Romans 12:12)

Blessings..

Okay so I actually jotted this down in my journal because I wasn't near a computer. Typically, I get inspired while on the computer or simply near one and just type away, however this wasn't the case this time and I was afraid I would forget what I wanted to say when I finally got to a computer. So backdrop of this reflection: Again, I'm at the point to know and trust that God hears prayers and answers them. It may not look how I want it to look, and the timing may not be aligned with my impatient mental clock, BUT GOD will always deliver. I've never met anyone so consistent. I mean, my own mother is completely awesome-sauce and everything, but GOD is perfect! His timing is impeccable and His judgment is divine!

With this being said, I slowly found myself going into this doubt phase. First, it was doubting that He would answer my prayers, but then it was me doubting if I should accept His answers. I know you're thinking "Why would you doubt a blessing from God??? It's from GOD?!" Well, let me tell you it's easier said than done.

"Ask and you shall receive..." "Knock and the door will be answered...." or something along those lines. Now the BIG questions I had to challenge myself with:

1. Will I take it?

and

2. Will I walk through the open door?

Doubt is such a powerful thing. Even when you are blessed the devil will STILL try and intercept that blessing by placing DOUBT in your mind. I had to land on this difficult practice: DON'T LISTEN TO IT!

I know God answers prayers so why do I doubt HIM when I receive HIS blessing? Well, first I begin to ask "Is it what I want?" then "Should I do it?" and shortly following with "Is it really from Him?" I mean, it seems at every corner I turn, I find this detour called "Doubt" that tries to steer me from embracing my blessings. The last question has been the biggest hurdle to cross, I'll admit. Because I'm really trying to quiet my flesh so that I can hear Him, I find myself doubting that I'm actually receiving a blessing and rather just giving into the desires of my flesh once again. This barrier has challenged me to continue to seek Him and Rest in Christ. How have I been doing this? Reading the Bible. I have always had a very basic, Black/White thought process. Either it is or it isn't. Either it's right or it's wrong. Either I go left or go right. Simplicity at its best. Well, I'm now following this same thought process when it comes to discernment. Either it's in the Bible or it's not. The Bible is God's book for us. It's His messages written through saints who were just like you and me. Some messages are more obvious than others, some more literal than figurative, however it's all there and through prayer and meditation, it's all comprehensible- It all makes sense. I've stop trying to second guess what I think scriptures are trying to say....meaning I've stop attempting to justify my wrong-doing by pulling out a good ol' scripture to support my cause. God doesn't work like that, I realize. He's pretty straightforward. If I don't understand the scripture, I ask for His wisdom and clarity. I ask for His understanding. And while I may have to reread the scripture 10 times before I get what He's saying, I do, in fact, get the message (oh you inpatient mental clock!).

So I've learned that if it ain't in the Book (Bible), then it's not coming from God. If God hasn't given instructions or directions (again, found in the Bible), then I don't need to pay any further attention to it. So to go back to doubting gifts as blessings from God: I've discerned things I receive by checking to see it has a stamp of approval from God. If it don't smell like "Eau de" God, I don't want it. What does God smell like? What does His stamp of approval look like? I don't know, I'm still learning. But what I have come across that I think are great starters:

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:7

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8

"And now abideth faith, hope, charity***, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." 1 Corinthians 13:13 (*** different versions of the Bible state love in place of charity. I use the King James version and the footnote mentioned this version has provided an inaccurate and misleading translation of this particular scripture. Greek text used the word "agape" which can also mean "love". I do use the term "love" instead of "charity.")

Basically, focus on God. Placing your trust in Him, you will find you will not be led astray because you are being guided by Him. Secondly, figuring out who God is. Now this is a big one, and I think even an impossible task because He is the great "I Am." Words cannot describe Him. What I've done so far is use analogies or comparisons to what I feel He has done for me and who/what he has been to me. He has been loving, so His blessings will reflect that concept. He has been merciful and forgiving, so His blessing will also reflect that. He has been my rock of peace, again His blessing will reflect that. So when I look at an answer I received after I prayed about something, I seek to determine if those concepts are found within the answer: Does this answer promote love? Does this answer promote mercy and forgiveness? Does this answer promote humility and self-less action? Does this answer glorify His name? Finally, does this answer give me peace? One thing I've recognized is that I always feel at peace when I'm actively pursuing my relationship with God. There's another saying along the lines that I may not rejoice in whatever situation I'm in, but in whatever situation I'm in I can rejoice in God. That holds true to the peace He gives me. Despite what I'm going through, He will always provide me peace. And no it's not that elevator-music/spa-day/cool jazz playing/aromatherapy candles type of relaxation. For me, it's been that "My world is upside down, the wind is blowing fervently, the turbulent waves are crashes all around me, HOWEVER I'm standing still. I'm planted on firm ground. I cannot be moved nor be swayed. There is calmness inside of ME....the essence inside of me is calm, at peace. And that is simply because His Holy Spirit is within me. Does this make sense?

So with that being said, if you truly sense He has answered your prayers and it's a blessing, well..... DON'T LOOK SIDEWAYS AT YOUR BLESSING- CLAIM IT!!!! God is good. He wouldn't do anything to hurt us. And while I do feel that whole "be careful what you ask for" is true, I do know God would not grant us something that would harm us or go against His spirit within us. If anything, if God answers a request and the outcome is not favorable in our eyes (again our eyes, not necessarily His), there was a lesson He wanted us to learn through that blessing. And yes I say blessing because anything He gives is a blessing for the simple fact that blessings always turn into growth, progression, and forward-movement! I realized that He may not give me what I want every time; He will give me what I need EVERY time. He is consistent. And honestly, I love His outcome over my own. I love when God "meddles;" He does a FAR better job than I do when I try and insert my own independence. I find myself at peace and happier whenever I let Him take control. I always love His results. Mine? Eh.... it's a hit or miss and even when I like what I did it's never to the fullest, real satisfaction I get when He works.

So my conclusion: I know God has my best interest. He loves me more than I love myself. He knows me better than I know myself. So why question HIM when he answers my prayers. Why question myself when HE answers my prayers? Am I not worthy of His blessings? Well, despite my flaws and imperfection He seems to think so and there's no DOUBT about it!

Resting in Christ

I know it's been forever since I last signed on. Don't worry, things have been good...correction, I've been good. One thing my pastor said that resonates with me: You might not be able to rejoice in whatever situation you are placed. But whatever situation you are placed, you CAN rejoice in God. I cannot describe how God has shown His presence in my life this year....wordy, talkative, verbose me- speechless! Let's just say God has used my circumstances, individuals associated within my life, basically everything to show me how awesome, loving, and completely worthy HE is! Despite some situations I have been placed in, He has turned those daunting factors into reasons why He is worthy to be praised. Am I making sense? I find myself searching for words to properly articulate my thoughts and feelings lately. Words don't seem to measure or truly capture how I've been feeling...how blessed I feel...how at peace I feel. And it's all because of God. So far this year I've learned: 1. Despite how far I venture away, God has and will always be with me. He promised He would never forsake me and He is completely thorough, completely consistent. 2. God answers prayers, I just had to learn how to ask. 3. Sometimes answered prayers don't turn out how I imagined, however they're always, exactly what I wanted (good thing God is God and I'm not, right?). 4)Sometimes God answers prayers by placing me in a situation where I develop my desired outcome. For example, I've asked for patience. At one point my group leader sagely reported sometimes God will provide you with a situation where you have to be patient. As another friend reflected: God doesn't send patience or humility in a cute little jar for you to open up and use. 5) To further expand on number 4, God really does have a great sense of humor...or maybe it's just me (it's not!). 6) There is nothing greater than love because God is love. I believe this is what God is trying to teach us. Or least that what I feel He's been showing me so far this year: Don't judge, unless I want to be judged. Forgive others as I want to be forgiven. Give mercy because He gives so freely and abundantly. Love unconditionally, because His love is unconditional for me. 7) Rest in Christ...Know that He has done it all. While I may not be perfect or complete, I must rest in the fact that in Christ, I am perfect, I am complete, I'm worthy and good enough to have a place with God. And there is Nothing I can do to win a place in heaven; There is nothing I can do to have that place taken away. It is a precious gift! Now please don't misconstrue what I'm saying: just like any other store policy I can always give the gift back, exchange it for something else (worldly, empty things), or simply not extend my hand to receive it. What I've learn is once I've truly accepted and embraced that gift, I cannot damage it. It's not like fine china and once dropped it's broken and destroyed. Nor could I regift it and give it to someone else (ie Dirty Santa game). It's mine and as long as I want it, I believe in it, and I cherish it, it will NEVER go away.

I want to come back to my last few reflections later on and expound on them, particularly numbers 4, 6, and 7.

Until then, please rest easy in Christ: Romans 8:38-39

"For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Jesus=Son of man=THE SEED!

I believe I've always been blessed with examining things closely- using a different light to gain a different perception. In 8th grade I was awarded best quote interpreter in my band class. I know you're probably thinking: 1. Why was I interpreting quotes in band class of all places? and 2. I must've really stunk at playing my instrument if all the recognition I gained from that class had absolutely nothing to do with playing my instrument. Lol, let's just say my instructor wanted his students to be well-versed in various skills...besides I took pride in the fact that someone else recognized that my perceptive ability-albeit quirky- could be beneficial.

Tonight I've been reading Matthew. I have to say I really enjoy the books of the Bible that focus on Jesus. I mean, I know the whole Bible does, but I guess what I mean is that I like hearing Jesus talk! I love his speeches and even more so, I love his parables.

So to bring you up-to-date at this point in Matthew, Jesus continues to travel from place to place, preach in the synagogues, heal people, and teach his disciples. He continues to reiterate that he's fulfilling the prophecy. In the early part of this book he speaks in reference to Esaias who prophesied that "By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive" (Matthew 13:14). Jesus clarifies in verse 15 by saying "For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them."

Okay, let me stop and explain how important this part was after I read it. So the last couple of weeks I've been feeling a disconnect. I know I haven't typed in forever, but I've still always felt connected with God. My trust hadn't really waned in God, I realized that my trust waned in myself. This realization really sunk in Monday night especially after having a very disorienting dream and I actually began to question where I stood with God! I've been through enough (particularly with things that have come up at my job) to KNOW that God is with me. He has never left me. My faith in HIM has gotten stronger. Faith in myself-eh not so much for some reason. Well throughout Matthew, as well as other books (Mark, Luke, and John) Jesus tells of the parable about how seeds can be thrown by the way-side and can either take up in stones, thorns, or good soil. In Matthew He described how seeds taken up in stones can be compared to those who hear the message, receive joy temporarily, however become distant from the message due to trials and tribulation, or life's strife. Seeds taken up with thorns could be compared to those who hear the message, however become so jaded and bitter due to the state of the world and how difficult it can be living as a just Christian (ex: how evil people seem to get all the riches and spoils of the earth...or even the old saying "Nice people finish last"), and ultimately that person also becomes distant from the word. Good soil can be compared to those who hear the message, RECEIVE the message, INTERNALIZE the message, and bear fruit-basically put message into observable action or declaration that others can take nourishment from (or see that action you did and decide to do the same so that others can see and so forth and on).

To further add to that we now have to go back to Esaias' prophecy- not everyone will understand the message. Thus, Jesus gives these messages in parables. A parable, from my understanding, is a story with hidden meaning. The meaning may not always be easy to comprehend but once you understand it, you become amazed on how complex and yet simple the message really is. Let me tell ya something-Jesus is REALLY good at telling parables!

So now connecting this back with my personal conflict- I became almost anxious and fearful as I read his parables. I was already feeling disconnected.....What if I was one of the people that didn't understand it. What if I wasn't meant to understand it. What if I heard the message, but yet didn't understand...or saw the message, but yet not perceived it? What if I wasn't the good soil, but surrounded by stones or thorns?

I'll summarize one parable for you which Jesus compares the kingdom of heaven to: A man sows good seeds in his field. An enemy comes and sows tares with the seeds/wheat (for tares, think weeds). Servants of the man ask if they should go ahead and remove tares. Man advises no, let the tares grow together with the wheat until harvest time; at that time remove the tares first and burn them, and then bring back the wheat. (taken from Matthew 13:24-41)

Now let me be honest-I had to read this several times....but I got it. Pulling out my quote interpretation skills (hey, God blessed me with them for a reason!) I was able to perceive that God planted seeds onto this earth....the good seeds being the children of the kingdom. And although the devil came along and put things like hate, deceit, jealousy and even evil people to "grow" with the good seeds, God is going to send HIS servants (angels) to collect HIS good seeds up.

Now I may have initially said in jest "hey, God blessed me with them (interpretation skills) for a reason," but I sincerely mean that. God gave ME the ability to perceive and with HIS help, in Jesus' name, I was able to interpret the parables tonight. You know now I feel so silly to even doubt ME. And when I say now, I mean literally NOW as I'm typing. To have faith in God, but not have faith in me-which is filled with the Holy Spirit, thus connected to Jesus, the Son of man, who is Lord, thus God- is unfathomable.

And....that's when the ah-ha moment hit me. The Bible is so full of symbolism and it hit me big in Matthew. Jesus uses the parable about seeds throughout the New Testament. Seeds are planted to grow and bring fruition. Jesus is THE SEED! (duh, I know right!) That statement is beautiful to me (not the duh part). God planted this earth with a Seed with His purpose being growth and fruition. Jesus served God's purpose through and through! God planted Jesus in Mary. Jesus was born in this earth- full of thorns and stones- and because He was good soil, He grew and produced good fruit (His acts of healing, forgiveness, humbleness and complete dedication to doing God's will) that others took and received nourishment from (think about His disciples as well as those who witnessed his acts of good service). Those who received His fruit in good soil brought forth more fruit so that others could receive nourishment and so forth and so on. Not only that, God ensured that even those who were not able to receive fruit directly from Jesus would still be able to receive Jesus' fruit. In Matthew 12:40 Jesus says "For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth." To complete the process of planting the Seed, Jesus is buried after he is crucified. When he rose three days later people of the earth could receive the opportunity to sow that Seed (now the Holy Ghost) into their soil.

On that note I want to say I love the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit!

So I will most definitely continue to work on me and my faith in myself. God is with me, and through Jesus, made a promise that He will never leave me, meaning that I will be connected to HIM forever! In the meantime I have been repeating the following saying- feel free to chant along:

I am good soil. I am good soil. I AM GOOD SOIL!

Day 3/4: 2 Samuel 13-19

One day when I was younger, maybe no older than 10, I remember being in church, sitting next to my mom, half passed out. The choir had finished entertaining and now it was time for the pastor to speak. I'll be honest and say that I was bored out of my mind at that time. Anyway, somewhere between semi-alertness and la-la land, I noticed my older brother getting up and walking to the front of the church. Quickly I oriented myself and watched as my brother proceeded to accept Jesus Christ into his life and sought out baptism. I remember the whole church applauding him and while I felt happy for him, 1: I didn't fully understand what he was doing but 2: I wanted to do it too! So the night I watched with awe as my brother got baptized, I decided that I was going to accept Christ into my life during the next opportunity I received. An eternity later (okay maybe just a few weeks) I walked up to the front of the church and almost bashfully stated that I wanted to get baptized and accept Jesus Christ into my life. A few weeks later I was baptized and so started my new life...

....or so I thought.

So while I'm still in the beginnings of Luke I had to take a sidestep for a moment and read a few chapters in 2 Samuel. Now I typically like to go in order, however I attended bible study (which was awesome-sauce btw) and my pastor wanted to focus on something else: Regret.

Although he skimmed over these chapters, I wanted to go back and thoroughly examine it. For one, I've never taken anyone's word on its own and it appears that aspect of me has yet to change and two, I love a good story! Well, this story was actually kinda sad. These chapters focused more on a king named David and his two sons, Amnon and Absalom, and briefly on his daughter, Tamar. Well Amnon was infatuated with Tamar, his half sister, and ultimately raped her. While the king was angry, scripture did not indicate any additional reactions from him. Years went by and Absalom ultimately got Amnon drunk during a party and killed him to avenge his sister Tamar, who ended up staying in Absalom's home after her tragedy. Years continue to go by and while Absalom left his hometown and returned upon the king's requests, the king still did not communicate or even see his son. Eventually Absalom attempted to overthrow the king and the two went to war. Prior to going into war, the king advised his men to "be gentle" with Absalom. Did his men listen? No and Absalom was killed during battle. After the king received news of his son's death was only when he expressed emotion and cried "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you- O Absalom, my son, my son!" (2 Samuel 18:33)

My pastor began talking about the king's regret with how everything turned out. How he regretted not saying anything to his son because even though this son killed the other son, the king appeared to still care for Absalom. Even when Absalom left, the king requested for his return, however did not speak or communicate with Absalom. Only when his son died did the king show remorse....expressed regret. So my pastor expressed how much concern he had regarding those of us who had not been baptized and who might not get a chance to do so before our time had ended...."If only I had done this..." he said, "If only I had said this..." "If only I chose this..." Again, regret.

So while I have been baptized, I wondered if that truly counted. I mean I was only around 10 at the time and while I professed with my mouth: "Jesus is Lord. Jesus is my Savior. He died and rose for me." I don't think I fully understood the impact of those words. I mean, not like I do now. So I immediately got on the phone and called the one person who could provide wonderful insight: my mom. I researched different biblical sites on the internet. I even emailed my pastor about my concern about my baptism (I was really surprised how quickly someone responded). And yet I'm still unsure of what to do. While I acknowledge that my relationship with God has evolved over the years (of course maturity plays into that), and has become stronger, I fear that chance of regret. That "If only I had done this..." and "If only I chose this...."

So at this point I have been seeking out answers through prayer. While I'm extremely appreciative of all the resources and support I've received regarding my decision, ultimately it comes down to God. My pastor asked "What do you do with a regret you can't fix?" in which he responded "You take it to a God who can't fail."

Right now my biggest regret would be that I read a story about a king named David and my mouth still cried "If only I had...."

to be continued

Day 1-really this is Day 1!

Despite it being April, I've been really excited to have more sunny days than rainy ones. Take today- it's so beautiful outside. Yeah I have to work, but it's gorgeous!!! Days like this I feel dumbfounded because even when I'm in doubt, I know this was something that the Lord made. The beauty and simplistic of the day humbles me and kinda reassures me in a way as well. Let's see, tonight is bible study and I am so excited on the message I will receive- I'll talk about that later though :o)

Right now, to explain how I got to this point. A few weeks ago I felt optimistically discouraged if that makes sense. I was hopeful, but still did not feel as if I had a clue of what was going on in my life, all around me...I didn't feel like I knew my purpose (can you guess what age group I'm in???) Anyway, I decided to talk to God....

He heard me.

I think our conversation this time was different because I was seeking him in my heart instead of just in my mind. The next weeks to follow were interesting.... I began perceiving things completely different. Now let me be the first to tell you that perception is huge to be. I'm known as the devil's advocate because I like to debate and try and find a different perspective. I felt that it was a part of growing and knowing. Well, my role as d-a is gone per se, however I feel my perspective has enhanced to an all time high now. Basically the things I was interested in- rap, celeb-reality shows, gossip talk shows, etc- I wasn't interested in. During a conversation with a friend I revealed that I just couldn't get into this latest reality tv show and she asked if I thought I was too good for it now. I responded that it wasn't that I felt I was above it, it just didn't interest me anymore. I've never been into digging for rocks either- not because I was above it, just not interesting in it.

That's not the point though. That conversation stuck in my mind because a few days prior I was in bible study and my pastor spoke about the reputation some of our churches have, particularly in our area....Gotta love southern baptists!!!! Lol, I used to avoid that label because it immediately brought up this image of a lady and man with bibles in their hands screaming "Repent or be condemn to hell forever!" Scary, yeah I know! Well, after my conversation with my friend I wondered if that was the perception people had of me. Especially now that I wasn't interested in the stuff I used to be, I was only interested in God. So the dilemma I faced was this: How can I explain that I'm not interested in certain types of movies, music, and television because I do see evil in them without sounding like a crazed fanatic?

See the thing is I really do feel that evil-Satan- is involved in a lot of current trends today. You know I read some articles about the symbolism behind the devil (sayings, signs, etc), as well as the rumors surfacing about some of the top entertainers and public figures secretly worshipping the devil. Whether I believe the articles is irrelevant, however the content found within these popular trends does not interest me. I don't want to catch up on the latest gossip, racy video or song lyrics because it has nothing to do with the path I'm trying to discover and walk with the Lord. So I listen to the Christian station instead and I love it! Every song that comes on is wonderful. I actually don't change the radio station (which for anyone who knows me will realize how miraculous that is- I'm easily distractible and VERY easily bored). Why is it different now?

Have you ever heard of that saying "That's my song"? As in, you're in the car with your girls listening to the radio and one girl proceeds to say "Ooh, girl turn that up- that's my song!!" Or for the guys- "That's my jam!" Lol, I used to say that all the time...I would instantly perk up and bob my head to the music and most importantly the lyrics...I'm a lyrics girl so I had to understand the lyrics prior to given them the "That's my song!" status. Typically a song gets that status when I felt that writer wrote that song especially for me. S/he just knew that my guy wasn't acting right or it was time for me to shake those haters off and decided to write those lyrics to reach out to me. Well, I get excited now whenever I listen to the music on Christian stations because they're all my songs! The lyrics (again I'm a lyrics girl) touch me. Again, those hymns and songs were written because I think the author knew even back then their wordings would touch someone...someone would be able to relate. And now I'm one of those individuals.

So how do I show that I am a southern baptist without scaring people away with my passion? Good question, I'm a pretty intense person on my own, but now...Wow! Either way I'll just take it day by day :o)

So again, I finished reading Mark and I would like to leave on that note:

1) Jesus died

2) Jesus rose and is alive again

3) HIS process of death and resurrection was for me.

You know, I'm not an emotional person, but I've been crying a little (a lot) lately. Even now I'm tearing up on the impact that message has. Not only that but He gave up The Ghost and passed away. This Ghost, I feel is The Holy Ghost. It was a way that I can still have Jesus in my life even though He is no longer on this earth. God gave me a companion- The Holy Ghost, whose presence I feel every day. I am comforted knowing that I am never alone...I've never been alone.

I pray that you have a blessed day and receive a type of clarity or enlightenment you didn't have the previous day.

to be continued :o)